Dear sons: A what not to do guide for relationships. The Reader, The Telegraph Journal, Feb.11, 2006  (also read on CBC Radio One, Toronto)

Dear Sons: A What Not to Do Guide for Relationships

Recently my younger son read “Charlotte’s Web”. When Fern put on her best dress to impress Henry Fussy, he asked, “Why is she getting all dressed up?”  “Because she wants Henry to like her,” I said. “Why would she want that?” he asked incredulously.

The attraction of the sexes is also a mystery to my older son for whom sock hops are just yet another form of organizational torture.  And both sons vehemently declare that I am the only woman they’ll ever love (I have this on videotape for their future wedding receptions).  But despite what they say, I know that sooner or later, they’ll likely find themselves at the mercy of pair bonding just like most of the rest of us. So in honour of Valentine’s Day, I’ve taken the time to outline a thing or two of which they should be aware before embarking on that journey.

For instance, sons, there are a few boyhood habits you’ll have to break - like telling the truth.  Don’t tell your girlfriend that her hair would look better shaped into a shark’s fin. And don’t inform her that the gingerbread cookie you made especially for her has the biggest bum and is complete with the two plumpest raisins you could find in the bag. 

Along the same lines, you’ll need to be selective in what you tell others.  Some things should be kept inside the family. Unlike when you were in grade school and relayed home conversations out of context (“My mom said I should stay away from that kid.”) and when you, after discovering the cat’s litterbox, told your best friend’s mother that you found out why her house stinks, you’ll need to sanitize your public commentaries.   

The practical jokes will likely have to be reigned in a wee bit as well.  Don’t repeatedly shove a popping weasel in your new girlfriend’s face to the point that she can no longer move her neck due to whiplash.  And don’t punch your new mate each and every time you see a Volkswagen Bug.  But if you just can’t help yourself, don’t, after she’s expressed displeasure with you on some unrelated issue, tell her that thank goodness you spotted that VW Bug just as her spiel was winding down.  

You’ll also need to figure out new ways of getting attention.  Don’t generalize from what used to work with me. For instance, camping outside the bathroom door and talking incessantly while your wife is inside crosses the boundary of acceptable behaviour. And don’t repeat her name over and over and over until she, wild-eyed, stops what she’s doing, looks directly at you and waits for whatever earth-shattering news you have to convey.  Women can listen and move about at the same time.  

You’ll also have to learn that walking around the house saying, “I’m bored, I’m bored” will not be very adaptive.  You’ll likely notice that your wife, especially if the two of you have children, is never, ever bored. If you tell her that you are, the result may be excitement alright -- but far from the kind you were hoping for.      

In addition, in a mature relationship, you’ll need to learn new ways of asserting your property rights.  Even though crime scene tape around your belongings sort of worked with your brother, it likely won’t be well received by your new partner.  Similarly, although it may be your gut instinct to smack your brother when he breaks your toy or looks at you sideways, smacking your partner will land you in jail. And if you want to deter your wife from eating your peppermints, it likely wouldn’t be wise to lick each and every one of them and warn her about it.  

If you’re observant, there are a few things you can learn from your adult equivalents as well -- like looking beyond the surface.  For instance, if your wife’s water breaks as she’s in labour in the hospital bathroom and she yells for you to get someone, quick, don’t return with the maintenance man in tow.  And if she tells you that you are all she needs, this is not a licence to never again buy her a gift.  There are literal AND figurative ways of speaking.

And remember that your partner will want to be the best you ever had in everyway. For instance, never tell a woman that she’s not really your physical type, but that she has great legs.  If you’re smart, as far as you’re concerned, you’ve never seen a nicer pair of legs or laid eyes on such a pretty port wine stain.  Nor can you remember what your last girlfriend looked like or even her name for that matter. And don’t refer to body parts with slang terms.  Your safest bet is to stick with the terms you’ll find in a medical dictionary.  

But if you occasionally mess up, don’t underestimate the power of the words “I’m sorry”.  Ever since doctors have been trained to let those words slide reluctantly from their lips, malpractice suits have plummeted.  The same thing applies to divorces. But there are certain guidelines to follow. You need to be sober, make eye contact and enunciate the words carefully.  “I’m sorry” should never be followed by the word “but” and the phrase “I apologize” will just not do.  

I am hopeful, sons, that this advice will serve you both well as adults.  If not, just remember that your dad has a lovely home, complete with a basement apartment, just down the road.   Love, Mom. xoxoxo   

Carla Gunn lives in Fredericton and can be reached at cgunn@nb.sympatico.ca